Travel advisory: Lambs, MI

Persons travelling into and through the municipality of Lambs, Michigan are advised to be on high alert. The area has recently come under attack by a lone, turkey terrorist. No, not a Turkish terrorist. A wild turkey. If you encounter this turkey, you are advised to stay in your car at all times, vacate the town (i.e. drive 300 yards in any direction) and if you wish to be laughed at, contact authorities immediately. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to directly contact, provoke, or by any means, impersonate this turkey.

And to think that Ben Franklin wanted this threat to freedom and justice to be our national symbol!

Yes, we're going to go a bit off-topic today. I'd say that I'm posting this up to embarrass my mom just a bit (as payback for the many times she's done the same), but who am I kidding. The woman is shameless and posting this in a public forum really won't embarrass her a bit, much as it maybe should. In fact, the rest of this post is going to be more or less copy-and-pasted from her own post to an on-line community she's a part of.

But I couldn't let this go unposted as yet another great reminder (right up there with the infamous "beaver day" incident) of the sort of area I come from and how different a world it is from the big city life I've grown somewhat (albeit begrudgingly at times) used to, and why I feel some need to reconnect with that.

Here's the story as Mom tells it (edited for time and content). Those of you who have met her will have no trouble visualizing the hilarity of this:

Coming home from work yesterday, the road was blocked off between the corner and my house due to an accident. No one was hurt, luckily, but I had to go around the block to get to my driveway. "Around the block", in this case, is a distance of approximately 5 miles, 4 of which are chuck-holed washboard nasty gravel.

Ok, so I get most of the way around the block, and am back at the corner of my road, in "downtown" Lambs. I see a wild turkey. I notice that the wild turkey is chasing my car. I think that the turkey is very pretty. I think it is cool that I have this up close and personal opportunity with wildlife. I decide that I need to photograph this turkey with my cell phone camera.

OK, here is where I become temporarily insane. I stop my car, and GET OUT. I keep walking closer and closer to the turkey, taking pictures as I go. The turkey seems to like the sound that the camera makes. He is cooperating nicely and not backing up. I get about two feet away from him. Brain cells resume functioning. WHAT IN THE H E DOUBLE TOOTHPICKS ARE YOU DOING WOMAN???? This is an aggressive wild bird. He stands about 3 feet tall, and weighs about 20 pounds. If he reaches his neck out, you are certainly within pecking distance. Ut Oh. Back up slowly, return to car, do not turn your back on him. All of a sudden my brain is giving me some very sound advise, I think I will listen. And sure enough, he apparently did not like that I was going away...taking the clicking metal thing with me. Maybe he wanted to become intimate with this noise maker? Whatever. I just knew I had to return to my car, going backwards, and I needed to show him I was in charge (yeah right) so I was flapping my arms, and making whatever nonsensical sounds I could. All the while hoping against hope that the people in the house on the corner were not watching out a window, or running a video camera with which they would win millions of dollars from America's Funniest Home Videos. In my haste to get his picture, I had left my car door open, so I was able to back my behind right onto the seat, and then quickly swing in my legs and shut the door as he reached out to taste me!

I have talked to several people about this and this turkey has been terrorizing that corner for a few weeks now. He went after my son's vehicle a few days ago, and Nathan drives a huge Durango!

By popular demand, now that its no longer the daily 1000 words-in-a-box, here is the mugshot of the alleged perpetrator: